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In every couple there is one who wants more distance, and one wanting more intimacy.

At times you feel desperate for more closeness, and most often your attempts at getting it with your partner are spurned and seemingly met with indifference or even further disconnection. In fact, the more you push for closeness, the more he expresses a need to have more space. What is this about?

The fact is that in every relationship, there is going to be one wanting more space, and one wanting more closeness. As a general rule, if you were raised with a hovering mother or father whom didn’t give you space to breathe and play, you are likely to need more space in relationships when you get older. Conversely, if you had a more lonely childhood, where your parents were more neglectful and emotionally disconnected, you are likely to always be looking for more closeness in your relationships.

Ironically, the one who needs more distance rarely ends up with another distance-needing individual. Likewise, the one needing more closeness almost always ends up with a partner whom needs more space. Why? Well, my theory is that by nature of being human, we all have an innate drive to master our environment and experience. If we were raised in a lonely and neglectful environment, we will unconsciously seek to repeat this experience so that we can heal the early wound of loneliness and rejection by getting our partner to actually change the way they are being with us. By doing this, we unconsciously hold the belief that we can make everything right.

Unfortunately, if we have married or shacked up with someone whom is unconsciously trying to work through an early childhood of being smothered and engulfed, they too are going to be looking to repair this early connection by finding a smothering partner to work out the old dynamics in their early relationship.

The truth is that the distance-needing partner does want closeness, just a little bit more on his or her terms. If given the psychic space to breathe, they will come around and seek the other. If you want more closeness, you need to see that your partner’s need for space is not a reflection of how he or she feels about you. If you keep making it personal and continue to not see the childhood wounds at play, you will continue to drive your partner away with your constant need for more intimacy. Only through an open and curious way can partners help each other understand their needs in the relationship. What is needed, therefore, is a new way of communicating in an emotionally empathic and un-fused manner. This is where couples therapy can be helpful, because this method of communicating is not inherently natural, yet when practiced consciously it can transform relationships.

If you find this article useful please feel free to get in touch. Psychologist Philadelphia specializing in Anxiety and Couples Therapy. We distribute content for associations.

I once spoke about singing Christmas carols, and how I had come up with “O Come All Ye Faithful,” even though I was not in a Christian situation. I had a great experience singing that song, because I was bringing a positive experience from my past into my experience of the present. Most of us say, “Huh?” [Laughter] And that’s because our whole education system and our whole cultural background, basically say, “Well, the person that does that is not connected with reality.” But when we sit back and we look at the free-floating anxiety that you’re experiencing, especially when you don’t have a reason for it, I would say that that’s not a connection with reality, either.

The circle practice is a very good thing to do. Remember that these practices aren’t just itinerate thoughts that I’m throwing out here, but there’s some design in this. The design is to begin to utilize positive experiences from your past, but not the circumstances of them. For example, when we did the little short preparation for Tonglen practice, I said, “Remember a time when you felt loved.” And then I said, “Now don’t get into the circumstance, but focus on the feeling within your self of being loveable.” In a sense, that’s what we’re trying to do now. In this Deity Yoga Practice, we want to go back and pull some of the youthful enthusiasm and sheer joy that a child expressesin their play, or in whatever they do. We want to begin to tap into that, and bring that inner sense of joy of expression into being in who we are today in singing our song to the Deity.

That’s a great time to do a Deity practice. Going back to you, you have a non-attached anxiety which is really the result of a super-structure of conditioningan attitude and an identity of worry. And for you this is because, unconsciously, you’ve utilized the very same techniques that you can use to do Deity Yoga Practice, but in a different way. So sit down with it in yourself. If you don’t feel like looking at the circle, or don’t feel like looking at the Deity and doing the rest of that, you don’t have to. You can sit down with yourself and say, “I’m going to remember aspects of experience in which I opened up, and felt the flow of being come through me.” Again, “Don’t get hung up on the circumstances.” Let the circumstances of the experience be dream-like in your mind, but focus on cultivating the feeling.

And as you cultivate the feeling, you can even take a while and sing a little song or a chant. Go in the bathroom and singif you sleep with somebody else. The idea is to begin to imprint the positive, or the open-ended aspect of this new super-structure that you’re bringing into being in your life.

Yogi Sean is the student of Swami Ramananda and the author of Dancing in the Fire of Transformation and The Everyday Sanyasin.

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Imagine this: You walk into a prominent, international business office, up to the receptionist’s desk - and you see she’s wearing flip-flops and blue jeans with holes in them. How do you react to this? I bet your opinion of that business just dropped quite a few notches, right?

Do you think this is an extreme example of some people’s taking Casual Friday too far? Do you think it would never happen in your office?

My husband didn’t think so - until it did happen in the office of his place of employment, an international, very prosperous company.

He’s told me several stories of the inappropriate attire the receptionist has worn to work on Casual Friday over the years such as the aforementioned flip-flops and ripped blue jeans. Also she’s shown up wearing a feather boa, tight T-shirts, shorts (during the summer), and miniskirts, among other unacceptable items of clothing.

And it’s not just his workplace. I’ve seen many other examples of this type of dress in other places of business. I admit I may be too old-fashioned, but it seems very wrong to me when I am much more better dressed than the receptionist working in the office I’m bringing my business to. I don’t care if it is Casual Friday; if the receptionist looks like she just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever was laying on the floor, that business just lost a customer in me. Right or wrong, it is indisputable that how a person dresses will affect another person’s opinion of that person, and in this case, the company also.

The receptionist is the first person one sees when entering a business office; she is the image of the business. It doesn’t matter in the least what all the other company workers wear on Casual Friday. The receptionist, as the spokesperson for the company, should always be appropriately dressed and well-groomed.

I’m not saying she must always wear a matching jacket and skirt, but I do believe she should never wear anything more casual than what she’d wear to church. In other words, a non-revealing dress or slacks with a dress shirt.

And, please, don’t forget the pantyhose, and leave your sneakers in the closet.

Mary Arnold holds a B.A. in literature and history. She is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/

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Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad, or lonely, or
joyous. There are a range of emotions we feel every day. It’s
part of the human experience. It can make life exciting and worth
living, it can also cause stagnation and depression.

In all my years as an Intuitive Counselor, I have witnessed too
many clients who believed in suffering with their sadness, not
feeling that there is more to life. When sadness works its way
into your every day experience and becomes an overriding factor
in your life, then its time to face it rather than suffer with
it.

In our body’s energy system, joy and grief both reside in the
heart chakra. They are like two sides of the same coin. In order
to allow the joy to rise within you, you need to heal the
sadness. How? By becoming aware of the sadness, hearing what it
has to say, allowing it to speak or weep, and validating its
purpose for having been there all this time. Then, give yourself
permission to let go –which is easier said than done sometimes.

It’s important to reach out for help. Ask others to assist you.
Seek traditional counseling or intuitive counseling or even grief
therapy. Another person can give you a perspective outside of
yourself. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can’t see the
forest for the trees when we’re the ones in it. Everyone benefits
from outside observation at times.

Why do people seek out my services? Mostly for this same reason:
to get a fresh perspective. Many of them are looking for
something. They don’t always know what… they just know there is
something more for them in this life beyond the stuckness they
feel, or the ordinariness of their daily life. One client said to
me recently, “I feel like I’m living the ‘Groundhog Day’ movie,
where everyday is the same, nothing ever changes. I want to get
on with my life…”

It’s funny how often I hear something similar from a new client.
Many will add that they know there is something missing in their
life, or they are searching for a sense of purpose and clarity.
Others are so tired from holding onto all the sadness and years
of emotional baggage that they just want help. They want to know
the steps to take in order to make changes. Others want help with
their relationship issues and dramas.

Regardless of the particulars, the desire is the same: They want
to be happy.

Happiness is born from the healing process. Allowing sadness to
be released and transformed into joy, we achieve freedom…
freedom to express our happiness, our desires, our wants and
needs, and freedom to expand within our own energy body and
finally being able to relax into simply being one with our self.

We all have this need to be free…

How do you begin your journey to happiness? Start by asking
yourself these questions:

Think about your answers. What are they telling you? If you need
help… ask. If you need time… then give yourself time. If you
need answers… then start asking the right questions.

© 2005 Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster is an Intuitive Counselor who assists clients to create extraordinary transformations in their daily lives. Her work is uplifting, empowering and success-oriented. You can visit Jodie’s website at http://www.illuminationsnetwork.com for further information and to schedule a private intuitive session. You can also look for daily updates to her blog at: http://intuitiveinnovations.blogspot.com .

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Lorrie flipped the pages of the magazine Lisa gave her. The pictures of the Caribbean started her thinking of her coming summer vacation. Today is the first day of Spring, she thought happily, and Summer will be here before she knew it. Suddenly a weird feeling swept over her body, grabbing all her muscles at once, arching her back violently. Her stiffened neck muscles slammed her head into the wooden headboard. Like a huge fist, her body strained with a vibrating tension, her heart pounding, feeling like it would burst out of her chest. Again. This time Lorrie let out a shriek that woke her husband in the next room.

Thinking heart attack, Tom rushed Lorrie to the emergency clinic nearby. Waiting for the doctor he nervously held her sweating hands. He kept asking her what was wrong, but Lorrie just shook her head mumbling “Mommy, mommy” over and over. The doctor sent Tom out while he examined Lorrie, now nauseous and looking pale. No fever, heart beat elevated, no shaking in the limbs, no spasms in the duodenum, and blood pressure normal. A nurse took some blood for testing, the doctor sending Lorrie home to wait for a diagnosis.

After an excruciating wait, one doctor recommended that Lorrie acquire a heart monitor for a week. Another prescribed strong digestion pills for her duodenum problem and a third wanted a psychiatric examination. The heart monitor proved that nothing was wrong with her heart, the stomach medicine caused nasal bleeding and the psychiatrist was totally unsympathetic and wanted her to snap out of it.

Fortunately, Lorrie got to see a brain specialist, a doctor who was in on the invention of the PET scan, a device that maps the different active areas of the brain. A thorough testing revealed that Lorrie’s brain had a chemical imbalance, causing all of her recent symptoms. A week’s stay in the hospital was advised and her response to at least a dozen different medications was unfortunately unproductive. During the following months Lorrie could not function normally. She sometimes had to be fed by hand, a catatonic-like state taking over her mind. There were numerous attempts of suicide. Careful watching saved her life several times. Lorrie was caught in the middle of the night heading for the railroad tracks. All sharp tools had to be hidden. When asked how she felt, she could only say that everything looked black (this on a sunny day). Fountains of unneeded tears flowed down her cheeks, the constant singing of hymns in a high, tearful voice, and anything higher than the floor would cause her extreme anxiety. Only after eleven sessions of mild shock treatment were there any signs of improvement.

It took three years of minute adjustment of the medication of choice, but Lorrie finally could say she was almost totally cured. Occasional lapses of depression were to be expected and experienced but Lorrie coped with these periods bravely. One in five women have serious depressions and men are not immune. A high percentage of the new papers written by research doctors are about the problems associated with the treatment of depression. Of the hundreds of proteins found in the brain, only ten per cent are fully known. Depression is not a condition a person can ’snap out of’. Much patience and understanding is needed to help bring these unfortunate victims back to full function.

Among my interests are graphic art, bicycling, furniture refinishing, reading and photography.

I had to take a friend to the doctor today and as I sit here in the waiting room about to doze off I begin to write this article. By the way, why do waiting rooms in doctor’s offices make people sleepy?

OK, let me get back on track. As I’m sitting here, I hear a lady behind me talking of her past depression. She mentions she felt so lonely after her dear husband passed away. In her own words, ‘her whole world fell apart.’ She said her husband handled everything in their marriage such as the money, bills and auto maintenance. After he passed away she became overwhelmed with all the finances and other responsibilities she now had to deal with, not to mention the fact that she was still mourning the death of her husband.

This conversation got me to thinking of how many people deal with the painful loss of a loved one.

Many times when a loved one passes, those left behind might not immediately feel the effects of that loss. It has not ‘hit them’ or ’sunk in’ yet. Sometimes it takes a while for a person to react to the loss. Some may try to stay strong or hide their feelings in front of others. But when the funeral is over and the family and friends have returned to their homes, the person may break down. It finally sinks in. Some sink into a depression so bad they close themselves off from the rest of the world. They take extra time off from work and even turn down invitations from family and friends.

Isolation and self-pity are never the answer. It’s okay to mourn. Even people in Bible times mourned when they lost loved ones in death.

A few examples of this include:

* King David who was grief stricken when his son Absalon died (2Samuel 18:33)

* Abraham bewailed the loss of his dear wife, Sarah (Genesis 23:2)

* Even Jesus himself, who was a perfect man, ‘gave way to tears’ over the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11:35)

So this shows that there is a sadness when we lose a loved one to death.

The thing is to not dwell on everything. Keep busy. Get involved in other things such as hobbies. Get you mind off the loss. The memories will always be there but they don’t have to be painful.

Another thing that can help you deal with your sorrow is Bible reading. God, being the loving God that he is, helps his people to endure the extreme sadness and grief that comes with bereavement. God’s spirit helps us to have peace and faith in the worderful future promised in his Word the Bible.

The Scriptures refer to God as ‘the God of all comfort,’ so we can be sure that he will give us the strength we need and not let us be overwhelmed by sad thoughts about our dead loved one.

Knowing all this should help us realize that we are not alone in experiencing the pain of our loss. Others have been through the same thing. In time, the pain will subside. The world is not going to stop for our broken heart. Life will go on. Things WILL get better.

So knowing all of this and the fact that even the perfect man Jesus went through this as well, should help us to deal with the painful loss of a loved one.

For more information on Depression and dealing with the loss of a loved one visit Anna’s website at: http://www.depressionadviceonline.com/index.html or visit her Depression blog which is full of helpful information updated daily at: http://depressionadviceonline.blogspot.com/

Dogs picture in their minds an event of an activity they wish to perform whether it hunting a rodent, greeting their human companions at the door or retrieving a stick. This helps them set goals similar to psycho-cybernetic human intent goal oriented human endeavors. We know dogs do this for two reasons. One, when they sleep their paws move as if they are running. Some might say that this is nervous system reactions, but fRMI scans show these are simultaneously happening with motor areas of the brain. Secondly the memory of motions for dogs is evident in the way they approach problem solving while moving toward an object such as a bone or Frisbee. If the Frisbee is thrown in a standard fashion the dog jumps and takes it the same every time and commits the action to muscle memory, which is an indication of that reflex of motion being done over and over again in its mind.

Some who have said to have connections with their animals occasionally pick up low frequency dreams of their pets. Some might say this is utter non-sense yet those who study such mind connections with animals seem to have shown a telepathy transfer of thought there. One such researcher has documented that pets and their masters do send out subconscious signals to one another. The rare occasions where humans claim they pick up visual stimuli in the form of pictures from their animals comes when both are asleep. In these dreams the humans say they see sequences of images in their dreams from the perspective of the animal. In other words a perspective from being very low to the ground and running around doing normal dog or animal activities, such as jumping into a vehicle, running around a tree or jumping off a deck and tumbling. If this is true and these dreams are in fact coming from the animal this proves the visual psycho-cybernetic tendencies of canines, perhaps all mammals, birds, fish and reptiles. This would make sense considering the memory imprinting that we believe these brains do operate. Even if the dreams are merely wishful thinking on the part of the human taken into the humans unconsciousness as one tries to empathize with their pets this would not negate the probability of such psycho-cybernetic learning and goal achievement strategies for canine intent. In fact there is enough evidence now to conclude that most all higher mammals do in fact achieve their goals this way. Probably birds too. Birds like Eagles can be fooled by their own visual memory, which fills in details of objects far away, meaning the imprintation of that memory is there? The question is only how are they using it or are they using it in their subconscious thoughts? Dream? Think on this.

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“A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench…” (Isaiah 42:3 NKJ).

Jesus didn’t–and doesn’t–go by our theory of survival of the fittest. He takes our bruised reed that twists in the storm and strengthens and straightens it enough so that it makes music for Him and others; He takes our dimly burning wick and tends it until it can give light for others groping in their dark night of the soul. We can take glorious comfort in this thought.

There’s a German legend that tells of a baron who built his castle on the Rhine. One too-quiet and lonely day he hung wires from crag to crag and turret to turret, hoping that the winds, as they blew upon this great Aeolian harp, might make sweet music and lessen his loneliness. The baron waited patiently every day for his beautiful music. Every day the winds blew from the four corners of heaven, but no music came. Then one night a hurricane charged in, tossing the Rhine into a fury. The lightening pierced the black night and the thunder shook the land with its uproar. The winds seemed to go mad. The baron rushed to the great castle door to view the terrifying scene and suddenly he heard the sound of what seemed angels’ music. As he listened with awe, he realized that his harp had come to life at last. The terrifying tempest had given it new and sacred life.

Dear grieving friend, our precious Savior has allowed a sweeping hurricane to carry off what is so dear to us! We feel our treasure being ripped from the core of our existence and, when we reach into our heart to find something to assuage the terrifying hopelessness, all we find is a hole so large we could sink in it. What is so stirring about this particular verse is God’s promise that He will never allow life’s lightening bolts to devastate us completely.

This verse helped me mightily in the severe times after our son’s death. It was enormously comforting to visualize this weak little reed being lifted and held ever so gently by a Man who understood every pang of grief I was feeling. I envisioned strength and courage returning as I felt Jesus lift this terribly-broken reed and whisper to me, “Dear child, don’t you know that I take broken reeds and make some of them pens to write of My love, using My own sacred blood for ink? Some of these broken reeds I take and make instruments of lovely music of praise. Handel was one of those drooping reeds when I gave him inspiration and strength to write Messiah. Yet other broken reeds I make so strong that they become pillars whereon others may rest.”

O friend, let Jesus take us and make of us what He will, for it is the broken reeds and smoking wicks that He loves so much!