Distance & Intimacy
In every couple there is one who wants more distance, and one wanting more intimacy.
At times you feel desperate for more closeness, and most often your attempts at getting it with your partner are spurned and seemingly met with indifference or even further disconnection. In fact, the more you push for closeness, the more he expresses a need to have more space. What is this about?
The fact is that in every relationship, there is going to be one wanting more space, and one wanting more closeness. As a general rule, if you were raised with a hovering mother or father whom didn’t give you space to breathe and play, you are likely to need more space in relationships when you get older. Conversely, if you had a more lonely childhood, where your parents were more neglectful and emotionally disconnected, you are likely to always be looking for more closeness in your relationships.
Ironically, the one who needs more distance rarely ends up with another distance-needing individual. Likewise, the one needing more closeness almost always ends up with a partner whom needs more space. Why? Well, my theory is that by nature of being human, we all have an innate drive to master our environment and experience. If we were raised in a lonely and neglectful environment, we will unconsciously seek to repeat this experience so that we can heal the early wound of loneliness and rejection by getting our partner to actually change the way they are being with us. By doing this, we unconsciously hold the belief that we can make everything right.
Unfortunately, if we have married or shacked up with someone whom is unconsciously trying to work through an early childhood of being smothered and engulfed, they too are going to be looking to repair this early connection by finding a smothering partner to work out the old dynamics in their early relationship.
The truth is that the distance-needing partner does want closeness, just a little bit more on his or her terms. If given the psychic space to breathe, they will come around and seek the other. If you want more closeness, you need to see that your partner’s need for space is not a reflection of how he or she feels about you. If you keep making it personal and continue to not see the childhood wounds at play, you will continue to drive your partner away with your constant need for more intimacy. Only through an open and curious way can partners help each other understand their needs in the relationship. What is needed, therefore, is a new way of communicating in an emotionally empathic and un-fused manner. This is where couples therapy can be helpful, because this method of communicating is not inherently natural, yet when practiced consciously it can transform relationships.
If you find this article useful please feel free to get in touch. Psychologist Philadelphia specializing in Anxiety and Couples Therapy. We distribute content for associations.
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